I walked away from it years ago.
Too much, too soon.
There was so much about it, I did not understand and I could not grasp the awesomeness of it.
It was bigger than me, but like a fool, I thought it was me.
At the age of 14/15 I was given a gift... it was the ability to play the piano. I excelled at it, and I was pretty good too. After about a year or so of solid lessons, I was already playing Chopin's "Revolutionary Etude Op. 10 No. 12" (I have a recording of me playing it at church during the offering if you ever want to hear it.)
I was always humble about this gift because it was never mine...it was a God-given gift. Maybe you're not religious, so you're thinking it was just a hidden talent. I promise, the only hidden talent I have, is the ability to roll my tongue and bend my fingers funny. Let me be clear when I say, there is nothing about me and my abilities, that would have recreated this gift. I am dyslexic, I probably have ADHD, I am obsessive and extremely absent-minded. I have put my shoes on the wrong feet more times than I would like to admit.
After my first month of piano lessons, my piano teacher had me start on Bach. I believe it was the "Well-Tempered Clavier". I won't say it was easy peasy, but I will say, after only knowing piano for a month, I went through that book quicker than a beginner should have. It was clear to my teacher, to my mom, that God had given me something extraordinary and we should definitely kick it up a notch. My piano teacher handed me over to a different piano teacher who helped me take this gift to another level.
But...
Long story short, I walked away.
Like every other self-destructive person I've ever met who tends to get in the way of their own success/happiness... I followed suit.
I hated my gift. It took so much from me, and when I tried to share it with others, I couldn't...
too scared to let them see the real me.
But...
There's been this silent yearning deep inside my heart? This dull pulse, growing stronger with each breath I take. I try to push it down - too much time has passed, too much has changed. Yet, it grows.
I was looking through my emails tonight and saw one from pastor Michael. A phrase caught my attention: "False Humility." I was JUST thinking about that, and BOOM there's an email from my pastor speaking of the very thing I've been guilty of for all these years.
What is "false humility?" For me, it meant not using the gift I was given because I didn't trust God would support me. It's almost like teamwork. He gives me this beautiful ability, I trust that He will help me along the way, and together we make beautiful music.
There's quite a bit of self-discovery going on with me lately. I hear that dull pulse, a little bit louder tonight.
I don't know what it will look like, going back to the piano. Will it feel like my favorite pair of jeans that fit perfectly, or more like the ones shoved in the bottom of my drawer?
One thing I know...that gift, well, I still have it...I just put it down.
I'm currently looking at it with a different set of eyes this time around.
But...
I'm not walking away.
